


Nothing nasty and uncool

by tweeker



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Drugs, Humanstuck, M/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-05
Updated: 2012-06-05
Packaged: 2017-11-06 23:40:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/424491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tweeker/pseuds/tweeker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat opens the door and immediately regrets it. Every fibre of his being wishes he'd stayed on the couch with Sollux with his shirt off. Instead, he has to be Gamzee's friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing nasty and uncool

**Author's Note:**

> this was on my pendrive and i have literally no idea where it came from, wow, it was supposed to be a threesome in the end i think?? anyway i used to like gamzee a lot before soberzee happened

I pulled the door open with such force it swung on its hinges and smashed against the wall. It crunched into the plaster, probably denting it forever. Good. I was pissed off. If there was anything less than a full pizza-juggling gymnastics team with a beer fountain tapping on my doorbell I was going to be all sorts of furious.  
"The fuck, G. What the hell are you doing? It's 3 in the fucking am, I do not have time for your shit right now."  
Gamzee grimaced, and made gentle 'shushing' motions. "Relax, my brother. I forgot my key and shit man, you know how it is when I don't remember stuff too good. There's a lot candyfloss all up in this head of mine and I don't wanna be getting everyone up when they're all chill and resting."  
I looked him up and down, obviously returning home from one of his many off-the-record sidejobs. Dressed in jeans and a sweater without his stupid ugly makeup, metal studs and neon gauges, I figured it was babysitting. Rich people fucking lined up to let that freak near their kids and refridgerators for hours on end. I often wondered how much business he'd get if the doting folks knew what their responsible adult got up to on the weekends. His disguise was impeccable though- he almost passed as a normal person. His giant hair pushed back in some hideous wool headband was the only indication of the drugs, the squat raves, the amateur tattoos and piercings, the counterfeiting, and all that was totally disregarding the whole... Clown thing. The less said about that, the better. I scowled. My t-shirt was on backwards, but I wasn't sure he'd notice.  
"I got home and it was all locked up and I'm empty handed all up on the key front, and I don't wanna bust another window, you know? I was just kinda walking to pass the time and shit, and the heavens opened, man, you know how a heavy rain just kinda comes on like someone turned the faucet on? Beautiful shit to watch." He shivered, and smiled dopily.  
"I thought I'd be cool and all in the wet, man, but these shoes are falling apart, I was hiding out in the bus shelter for about half hour when I saw your light on. Could I hide out until it stops, bro?"  
He was shaking like a leaf in a strong wind. I didn't think he'd even noticed. I remained silent. I wasn't sure what would shut him up.  
"I'd go see T but it sucks dragging him to the door and," he scratched a soggy pant leg with a soggier canvas shoe, "I think if he, you know, threw his key out the window like he usually does it'd end up a few miles downstream before I found it, heh." He sniggered briefly at his own joke while I stared incredulously, realising my guest was leaving a puddle at his feet on the concrete of the landing.  
"And I think my phone is pretty definitely mother-fucking busted."  
He pulled a plastic brick out of his jacket pocket, and shook it to demonstrate how mother-fucked it was. He tipped it a little, and water poured onto the landing.  
"G." I said, rubbing my forehead, "you are the highest grade of braindead retard I can think of. How could you not notice shit like the fucking tempest starting?"  
"I'll sort some breakfast for you when the sun rises cause you're doing me a massive favour and shit man, I know you're not gonna turn a brother down."  
I thought of Sollux on the couch, given up on waiting for me. He'd either have returned to his codes or fallen asleep by now. I did not appreciate this guy trying to make himself look more pathetic.  
"Don't make me have to go wake nobody up, man, I don't wanna be a prick."  
"Are you fucking serious, shit-for-brains? That's the best you've got? You don't think showing up out of fucking nowhere because you're spaced enough to give yourself pnuemonia and just expecting me to put you up is not a little bit prick-ish? You fucking tool."  
"I was gonna call you, man, but... My phone's no longer with us and all. I guess I could go chill on the beach, I got some brownies on me and there's that one shack in the middle we built last summer..."  
I nodded curtly and went to shut the door in his face.  
"Dude, could I borrow a jacket?"  
"Oh, just fucking GET IN HERE, MAKARA."  
He shot me the weakest smile I'd ever seen on him.  
"Break your drugs out, Captor is also staying at this marvellous drop-in center for weak-minded leg-humping simpletons I'm running." I shot him my best, most withering glower but he returned the biggest, toothiest grin I'd ever wanted to punch off a face.  
~  
Despite his phone, wallet, shoes, clothes and discman all being completely waterlogged and rendered useless by the almighty power of Poseidon, of course the hash cakes on Gamzee's trembling, damp person were wrapped and bagged well enough to be completely fine. The bag of pills in the centre were near pristine. The snuff box was lined with bubblewrap sealed with ducttape.  
"Your priorities never cease to amaze me," Sollux groaned, voice barely more than a mumbling hiss of lisped consonants. He was still tapping furiously at a document when I entered the lounge with a clown in my pyjamas, cartoonishly too small on him. I suspected he might be a little annoyed.  
"These motherfuckers, right," Gamzee intoned delicately, setting aside something that looked like a scone, "we can heat up in the toaster before we get our snack on."  
Sollux's expression could almost be awe. "Does that not wreck the stuff?"  
"Naw, my brother, I tested them before I went to look after Amelia and Quentin."  
I returned from the tumble dryer full of filthy clothes to join the circle of retards. His revelation didn't surprise me.  
"Can we just microwave them? I fucking hate using the grill, it's a piece of shit."  
~  
I wasn't even sure where the record player had come from. Gamzee had flicked through the box of vinyls as if he was looking for something in particular, and after a lot of arguing had _not_ been allowed to put the fucking Gypsy Kings on.  
"H-How long has this guitar solo been going on?" Sollux's eyes were unfocused. I was wearing his glasses, so he was pretty blind, but the bewildered expression on his face told me the fizzy white stuff in the sprite bottlecaps was one to miss.  
"This is Santana, numbnuts. The entire vinyl is a guitar solo."  
"No, no, I mean... This part of it has been happening over and over for about half an hour."  
"Bull-shit."  
Gamzee just smiled crookedly at the cieling.  
~  
Most of the bedding in the house had ended up in a pile on my lounge floor. So had we. Sollux was hitting me in the leg to the beat. I was watching a moth. A realisation had been dawning on me for about twenty minutes, or it could have been about six hours.  
"The fuck-buggering needle's stuck. We _have_ been listening to the same part of this ridiculous stoner shit for three hours."  
Gamzee emerged from the cupboard with an armful of Yes LPs. I groaned. I'm pretty sure I'd never seen them before.  
~  
"No, no, you have to say it. Say it or I'm not letting you hit this." I wasn't sure when I agreed that we could smoke in my apartment, or when Gamzee could lay across my lap, or use my rizla, or... I wasn't sure how we had ended up in a small crater of garbage on my floor, to be honest.  
Sollux made a face, giggled like a schoolgirl, and then grimaced again. "I solemnly swear I did not snort speed off the Stones' spectacular Exile On Main Street, _sir_."  
"And how was it, my brother?"  
"Superbly, sensationally stimulating."  
We collapsed into eachother laughing again, as a single body.  
~  
After breakfast (eggs, toast and some sort of amphetamine), we drew the curtains, shut off the light and returned to our heap on the rug.  
I fumbled for my cellphone, lost on my desk somewhere amongst all of the crap that had accumula- there. I had a few thousand messages from Terezi about not being online and what a shit-eating spineless bum-fancying cunt that made me. The usual.  
"Oh, by the way," Gamzee mumbled, wandering about the hallway in his underpants brushing his teeth, "why didn't you dudes just up and tell me last night?"  
Sollux grunted something from the floor.  
"It's obvious you guys were getting hot and heavy all up in there before I showed up."  
There wasn't a response.  
"He's covered in hickies, brother, I'm not blind." I absently ran a hand over my collarbone. Fuck.  
"You should've just told me I was being a cockblock man, I'd have left you to it." He spat into the sink.  
Sollux was silent. I imagined him rubbing his face into the floor pretending that nothing was happening. I wasn't sure if I was offended or not that he was trying to pretend that we weren't fucking. I thought I'd have just outright denied it, but he didn't even bother.  
"You feeling the comedown already, my man?"  
A grunt.  
"I'll get rolling."  
~  
It was probably the most awkward joint I'd ever shared. Sollux was trying to hate me dead, judging by his expression. I eagerly awaited him snapping so I could shout a lot.  
"You guys ever thought about getting it on with another set of hands up in your shit?" He looked pretty sincere.  
"What the fuck are you talking about?"  
His shrug was loose, almost fluid. He didn't seem embarrassed, which fucking sucked because I kind of was. I wish he was dressed.  
"I didn't think you had anything mega exclusive going down."  
Sollux took a long, shaky drag and looked at Gamzee over the rim of his glasses. "We don't have _anything_ 'going down'."  
"You think I want anything to do with this psychotic headjob bastard?" I said loudly, but I was dutifully ignored.  
Gamzee rolled his eyes and toyed with the t-shirt he was supposed to be wearing, but was instead wringing in his hands absently. "Jus' saying, is all. If you ever wanted to try anything batshit..." He grinned toothily at Sollux, scooting closer with the cup we were ashing into. "I'm pretty messed up."  
"The fuck do you think you're doing, Makara?"  
He met my eyes innocently. "Asking."  
"I cannot stand your ignorant douchebaggery sometimes, what the everloving fuck. You've been _planning_ this."  
Sollux shot me a look. He obviously doubted the druggie's intelligence stretched that far.  
"No way mannnnnn," the 'n' sound dragged out for a whole mouthful of deeply offensive exhaled smoke, "I was just thinking about it, like, while I was brushing my teeth and shit. Life just throws all these crazy opportunities your way and I figure, fuck it, I'm gonna get all up on everything I possibly can."  
Sollux was swaying a little, leaning his head on his knees.  
"It's not just a coincidence, my man, that I happened all up through this place right when you guys were bumping uglies."  
"...So fate brought you here to get us fucked, stink out my house and then act like a fucking slut? Is that what you're getting at? Go home, you infuriating garbage-swilling bullshitter."  
He looked confused, rather than upset. I had failed. Sollux waved a hand vaguely in the air in front of his face, like he was trying to wake himself up, and spoke with his eyes closed.  
"I'll go for about anything right now, if it'll stop you two'll _fucking talking me to death_."  
~  
I lay on my front, battling with rolling papers, wishing I were dead.  
Sollux was apparently far gone enough to say 'sure' except he more spat the word than pronounced it, so he sat perched on the capricorn's legs like he was side-saddling the ugliest horse in the entire world.  
To my utter disgust, they had kissed.  
Together, they had too many piercings which clanked togehter, and they clashed so harshly against eachother, the gemini's tidy bangs mashed up against Gamzee's wild tangles in particular made my skin prickle with heat and fury. The ever-pristine lenses of his glasses, smeared with remnants of clown paint was a travesty.  
“Open your mouth up for me, my main man, I'm not going to be putting anything nasty or uncool in there...”  
I actually, vocally snarled.  
“GZ, everything you possess is simultaneously nasty and uncool all of the time. I know that already.”  
“ told you not to go near the sprites bro, that motherfucker'll knock you out, i totally warned you, motherfucker “  
And then Sollux had mumbled a bunch of shit, possibly about the total incompatibility of his snake bites and Gamzee's massive labret spike. 


End file.
